Grass Face, more like Ass Face

On a muggy (That’s right, muggy. In Chicago. In mid-October) night with a warm southern breeze, the only fireworks came during the starting lineups as both teams’ offenses and special teams took the night off. The Bears defense terrorized Stafford and his merry band of dipshits, forcing 4 turnovers, 3 in the red zone. Charles “Peanut” Tillman shut down Calvin “Megatron” Johnson, so should we re-nickname him Optimus Prime? Or does Calvin simply have a peanut allergy like 2/3 of sniffling kids in elementary schools these days?

I’m still not on board with this whole “Bend, Don’t Break” defense that lets offenses march down into the red zone before clamping down, but it’s certainly better than West Virginia’s “Break, Don’t Bother” scheme. From a standpoint of pure excitement, forcing fumbles on the goal line sure gets the crowd going and probably deflates the opposition significantly more than a turnover at midfield. But at what point do they run into a team who isn’t going to cough up the pill and can actually convert trips to the red zone into points? We’ll be tested in 3 weeks when we see the Texans, owners of the largest point differential in the league. The Bears are second in that stat column, thank you very much Jacksonville.

In a game that was billed as a step above a back alley street fight, there were little to no extracurricular shenanigans or horseplay. Ndumbass Suh got one big hit on my guy Cutty. Watching the replay, it bordered on illegal without totally crossing the line. At the end of the day, the guy weighs over 300 lbs and when he gets moving there is a lot of force coming behind that sack train. So you can’t expect him to gently lay QBs down on the turf when he gets to them. You know who also had a pretty disruptive game on the Lions side? “Red Eye” Vanden Bosch. A guy Sparrow lovingly knows as “The Urlacher of the Lions.” Old, white and slow with a few big plays left in the tank when he gets the opportunity.

A low scoring affair on Monday night, coming off the bye, at home against a division rival, wasn’t really what anyone was looking for. I had it in mind for the Bears offense to hang about 35 on Detroit and Cutler to potentially concuss Jim Schwartz with an errant rocket pass toward the sideline. But a win’s a win, the Bears are on top of the division at 5-1 and as they say, “control their own destiny.” Next week Carolina comes to town, then we travel to the lowly Titans before taking on 2 of the NFL’s best in Houston and San Francisco in back to back weeks. Kind of makes the Carolina and Tennessee games mid-season “Must Wins” of sorts to pad that win column against weaker opponents. I’m sure Sparrowguy will come in here and start telling me how I have no idea what a “must win” game is and I’m using it incorrectly. But hey, when in Rome…

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One thought on “Grass Face, more like Ass Face

  1. Destiny is, by definition, uncontrollable…idiot.

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